How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
