The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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