I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
