I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
