saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
not ubering you a puppy
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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