I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
