that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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