Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
