so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
