Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
