He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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