My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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