So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
