***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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