I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
