Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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