Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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