She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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