Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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