Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
