M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
