Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
