Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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