Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
