You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
