Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
