Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I want to fling myself into the sun
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
