I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
