as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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