I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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