ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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