You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
