I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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