you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
