I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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