he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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