Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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