So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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