I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
