I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
