batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
