When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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