it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
