look no pants
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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