Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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