Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
