a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
