also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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