I'm so fucking centered right now
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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