when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
