Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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