Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
