grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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